i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
