Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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