When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
