Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
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If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
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A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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