i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
