I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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