At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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