trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
