margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I love you. Go after that dick
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
