I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
