I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
