I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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