So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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