My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My penis needs a shock collar
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
