i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
