I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
