I can text with my tongue
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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