yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
