I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos