I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
