Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
