yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
