dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
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I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
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She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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