you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
