Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
