life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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