a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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