Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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