Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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