I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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