saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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