So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
