Don't you send me to vm
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
