okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
