the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
