i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
