The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
