shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
