He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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