When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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