Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
