8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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