I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
