you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
