PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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