I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
