we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
