I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
