Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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