Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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