I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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