he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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