Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
