dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
