I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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