"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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