The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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