I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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