If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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