Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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