So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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